I’m not a supermom but I get that a lot. Having a child with Autism does not make me one. Please let me be weak and let me cry, let me make mistakes, let my guard down, and let me just be a mom, a wife ,a woman, not a “super-someone”.
The day Vedant was diagnosed with Autism, life handed me a cape and said “now you fight and never stop doing so”. But there are days when I’m exhausted. I want to simply kneel down and wish that never again should a mom have to fight for what is rightly her child’s and hope that the world will be more sensitive to any child who has challenges.
For once, to the bus driver who snatched my son’s straw away, all I want to say is “please, be considerate. It’s my son’s sensory toy. It keeps him calm in a crowded bus full of noisy kids”. Some days I don’t want to cry out loud and ask her to go educate herself on Autism.
Instead of telling that teenager not to pity my son when I tell her that he has Autism, I wish the school and the society taught her better and told her that Autism has its strengths too. I am tired of explaining that Autism is not the end of the world, it’s just a different world. No, I’m not a supermom. I feel run-downed every now and then.
Sometimes all I hope is that the mom waiting in that lobby was more sensitive. My son simply wanted to be friendly with her little one and that is why he came so close. He did not hurt her or scare her. Please don’t ask her if she is OK and implicitly teach her that my son’s attempt to get friendly could make her “not ok”. Let her learn to deal with a different kid. Let her learn to be accommodating. I don’t want to stand on a podium and explain to her the importance of inclusion.
There are days when I don’t want to put up a fight everytime someone shows me that the society is still not ready to co-exist with a child with Autism.
Occasionally, when things get overwhelming, I feel like quitting and walking away. I don’t want to feel guilty about that thought. I need that weakness in me. I want those cracks so that my pain can find a way out.
Some days, I feel jealous of moms that take their kids to soccer practice or a tuition class or swim lessons or a recital.
Once in a blue moon I too want to go to concerts, movies, and date nights; to attend parties, stay back late, and take a break from the hyper-vigilance that has taken over my life.
There are days when sifting through all the treatments that have failed, I lose hope and I want to suspend my optimism and cry. Just plain cry for fear of it never getting any better.
Once in awhile, I want to stop trying because it never seems to work no matter how much I try. Occasionally, I want to complain that it’s not fair– why me, why us, why him?
In a weak moment, I wonder if not having a physical deformity works for or against my son.
For a change, I want someone to have my back when I’m exhausted of holding my son’s.
Sometimes, it’s that weakness that is so powerful. The burden of being a supermom is too heavy to carry. I wish it were a world where you were not forced to be a fighter, a supermom, and a constant advocate if you had a son with Autism. If anyone is a warrior and has superpowers, it’s my son–not me. He is a super-kid.
Excellent post once again..yes..I agree Ved is a super duper kid…and yes..I agree we as a society need to learn to coexist. .don’t lose hope…look where you started and where you are now. .Ved is achieving new milestones and that’s very commendable
Yes. I agree. Ved has come a long way and the journey so far was possible because of people like you who understand
Couldn’t stop crying ….sometimes I feel God gave me autism kid to enable me to live atleast for him …
You are correct Swathi. They give us strength to keep going. Please do subscribe or follow my FB page so that we can stay in touch and share our experience
Ved is a super kid and so r u a super mom, super doesn’t mean we don’t have ups and downs in life. It means we still try to fight and do our best. Whenever I read ur blog, it’s overwhelming feeling of emotions.. And Ved is super luck to have mom like u 🙂 love u and my cute little Ved :* :*
Thanks Ritika!
Thank you for your most recent article in the Autism Parenting Magazine. I most certainly can relate.
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i think you are supermom 🙂
Thank you 🙂
yes right, I think so too, you are a super mom 🙂
Thanks so much. You’re being generous 🙂
Tulika,
I have a 26-year-old son with Asperger’s Syndrome. Everything you wrote resonated with me. He was born in Berkeley, California, one of the most hyper-educated communities in this country. Yet 95% of its population marginalized him (and me). We did not have playdates — other parents said they just “didn’t want their children playing with him.” Several told me that “autism could be catching” (this comment from several people by the way with law degrees and Ph.d degrees). We did not get invited to birthday parties. Our friends necessarily were others in the disabiliity community.
Despite all our challenges my son graduated from UC Berkeley and just received a Master’s Degree in American History from the University of North Carolina, Greensboro. He writes and publishes constantly, is involved in the theatre community, plays piano and has made friends here in the South. I think of Berkeley with a lot of pain and how all the hyper-educated folks for the most part lacked empathy, humility and compassion.
I understand your pain. I share it all the time.
I’m sorry your family had to go through what you did at Berkeley but I’m so glad to know that your son came out strong and bright out of all this and is so successful!! I cannot say that much has changed in the last 26 years. My son has bever been invited to birthday parties, has no friends and never gone on playdates so yup, not much of a change there but we are seeing some shift and hope the trend continues. Also, definitely not hearing people will “catch Autism” if they are around my son !
You’re awesome ladies! Please excuse the long post, but I need your help:
Dear Ladies,
I have been a Speech-Language Pathologist for 20 years & am a Certified Autism Specialist. I spent several years creating the very first service-based 501(c)-3 nonprofit organization specifically designed for young adults with ASD in the entire Southeast. Social-Emotional Learning is a specialty, which integrates remarkably well in development of functional, useful Social Skills. Ten custom-designed Learning Programs, each with Curriculum of measurable target objectives, precede the Job Program. The Learning Programs help individuals develop functional, useful skills for living life with maximum degrees of independence. Sound hard? There’s something for everyone at any level in the Spectrum.
Please help me to understand: The individuals we would serve are the ones who have aged out of school and virtually have no help in living life. The Special Education Programs in most middle & secondary schools begin to merely pass them along once adolescence begins. All of the intense, funded programs in preschool & elementary grades are over, & it more than seems as if our country has forgotten about the aging teens & young adults. That is precisely why I created this nonprofit organization: They deserve so much more. The question? Why do I have SO much trouble getting Sponsors/Grants? Why do the parents promise to get involved, and, inevitably never show up or stop coming before their child has had the chance to get started?
Believe me: each Program is designed with Evidence-Based Practices. Each offers a multitude of opportunities that the individual with ASD would have never had. Opportunities to develop and keep friends and highly functional social skills are embedded in everything. That is precisely why Social Skill Programs do not work: they must be used at all times, in all environments. Individuals can develop/use self-help skills, safety skills, and functional communication & socialization, learn through drama, use expression with The Arts, navigate public areas with no wandering, shop with lessened or withdrawn supervision, learn to use/exchange & manage money, have their own checking account, cook dinner for you, & integrate interests/motivating factors to choose the most suitable job. We are realistic. This may require progressively withdrawn supervision to find a job & learn the ropes, or it may be limited to volunteer work. A local business, otherwise, may find the right person to eventually manage the place to allow owners lessened time on the job! So many possibilities are available and unknown! Temple Grandin wouldn’t have agreed to be the Keynote Speaker at the Kick-Off Fundraiser last year is she felt otherwise.
The years of design work, the battle to become a tax-exempt, and much pinned-up excitement to finally help people in a different way now seems to have been pointless. It could never be pointless to me, but I must live here 15 more years until my husband can retire. Would you be interested in the described opportunities for your child? What is/are your impression(s) of the existing parents & related volunteers?…They are more than plentiful, by the way.
Thank you for your service to the community! It can get frustrating getting all the help and support you need and there is no single right or wrong answer to why that happens. However, I hope you will not give up and will continue to help individuals with autism live a more productive life.