When my son was diagnosed with autism, I remember feeling numb. For several months I felt like my life, my dreams, and my happiness, all have come to a rude stop. All I saw ahead of me was endless years of disappointment, gloom, and darkness. It felt like hope chose to look the other way and joy found a different address. I was in a very very dark place. 

Everyday I would wake up and hope for a miracle, something that would reverse everything and bring our lives back on track, not realizing that miracles were what my life is going to be about!

Slowly, as the clouds cleared, and I could see more clearly, I realized that although life was going to be very different from what I had imagined, it was not all dark clouds and dismal. In fact, if I have cried myself to sleep, I have also laughed my days away on so many days. While I might have secretly wished for him to be like his peers, I love his extraordinariness and won’t change that for anything. While I might not be cheering him in a soccer match or showing off his test scores, I beam with pride everytime he proves me or other professionals wrong. While I might be disappointed at the things he is unable to do, I rejoice in the miracles I see quite often- the ones that make all the worries and the tears, worth every bit.

What happened on our trip to the urgent care a couple of days back, was yet another one of those reasons why I wouldn’t want to get off of this roller coaster that my life is.

To give you a context, my son’s sensory defensiveness has been quite a challenge for us. Things that go over his head, ears or eyes, or around his neck throw him off or get thrown off.LOL. So, with the pandemic and the need to wear a mask, this became a bigger problem because there was no way he would keep the mask on even for 10 seconds no matter how much we tried. The gloves were also an absolute no. Consequently, since the pandemic started, we have not stepped into any building apart from our house.

He also has defensiveness around his mouth that makes brushing his teeth a huge fight every day and a visit to the dentist a nightmare, requiring multiple nurses holding his arms and legs down while the dentist can look inside his mouth.

So, when my son’s gums started bleeding profusely and would not stop for over 3 hours, we were left with no option but to go to urgent care. The challenge, now, was going to a hospital and having him keep his mask on. There was no way this was going to happen and I was extremely anxious about the exposure that he might have. On our way to the hospital, I kept reminding him about why he needs to keep his mask on and that the doctor might look into his mouth, though I was not sure how much of it he really understood. Once at the urgent care, I apprehensively put his mask on him, knowing pretty well it was going to come off right away. It did. I put it back up again. We did this a couple of times until finally he stopped taking it off and started adjusting it over his teeny tiny nose every few minutes instead.

Between 2 nurses and a doctor coming to check my son, we were in the examination room for over 3 hrs- a small room with everything that made him anxious, the machines and the probes and the enclosed space. Not once did he try to escape, had any behaviors, threw up out of anxiety, or resist all the nurses trying to weigh him and get his vitals!!!! 3 hours!!!!! My boy who cannot sit still in a place for more than 5 mins, waited patiently in that tiny room for over 3 hours!!

What was even more surprising was that he kept his mask on ALL THE TIME!!!!! Not just mask, he kept his gloves on too!!! Every winter, we have struggled with hats and gloves and scarves. He even has these goals to work on with his occupational therapist who had sent me a happy note when he had his headphone and gloves on for 30 secs at stretch!!! And here he was, in all his mask and gloves glory!!! I had almost completely forgotten about the bleeding, I was so excited!!!! It was a miracle happening right in front of my eyes!!! No one could have predicted this!!!! I should have taken a picture of him sitting calmly; his adorable face covered by the mask and his little hands fidgeting with his gloves. What a sight to behold!

Then came the turn for the doctor to look at his mouth where the bleeding was. I was pretty sure this was going to be a struggle. As the doctor came in, I gave her my usual disclaimer about his sensory defensiveness and all the challenges she might face probing him and that she might need a couple of nurses to hold him down. She asked him to open his mouth. He did. No resistance. She took her tools and started looking inside his mouth and poking his gums. He sat right through it!!! What’s going on?? I thought to myself. This is just not possible!!!!! It has never happened!!! So far, no one at the doctor’s office has come close to him without him trying to run away or throw up in anxiety!!!! Who is this person??!!!! I watched in astonishment and awe as my son calmly sat there. 

Turns out it was just an exposed gum that somehow got poked! The bleeding had stopped by the time the doctor had finished examining him. My jaw was still hanging down, probably touching the floor and I am pretty sure the doctor was amused at my reaction. Typically parents in urgent care are stressed and frazzled. I ended up looking like I had just witnessed a miracle and was jumping like a kid in excitement!!!

For those few hours that my son was bleeding, he did not seem to be in any kind of pain. He was his usual self, watching rhymes and asking for snacks. On my way to the hospital, all I could think of were the challenges of raising my son – his high threshold of pain that can be a serious health issue someday; the fact that he could not tell us he was bleeding until I discovered a big pool of blood inside his cheeks or his sensory issues that made it almost impossible for him to put his mask and gloves on. I was overwhelmed with worry and exhausted from trying to fight with his autism everyday and put up a brave front. 

On my way back, I was one proud mom, over the moon and starry-eyed, feeling like we could make the impossible possible. Autism didn’t feel like a vicious monster. Instead, it felt like a small roadblock that my son could jump over when it was needed. I just had to continue to believe in him and in the miracles he brings along. Tears, worries, and complaints…well, that’s for another day. 

Little things in life are filled with miracles and I have been fortunate enough to witness so many of those. My life is not perfect but it’s magical for sure and it’s my son who makes it so.