Autism parenting is difficult, really really difficult. While some days bring hope, others are spent grappling with helplessness, struggles, and worries. No matter how prepared you think you are for what’s coming next, that you have endured it all, and that the road ahead is easier, you realize you are never ready enough. 

One of my son’s most significant challenges has been his behavior and just as I write this, I am scheduling his next set of intensive behavior therapies. We have been dealing with some behaviors that have been challenging and impacted our lives in many ways. I feel lonely and defeated and sometimes just plain sad. It’s a feeling that is hard to describe.  Fortunately, for me, I have a few people I know I can reach out to for support. My son’s teacher was definitely not on that list and not because she is not kind, but because we just don’t have that kind of a relationship.

On this particular day, I was already overwhelmed with all the behaviors we were dealing with and the fact that none of the interventions were helping my son was not making the situation any better. I knew he was trying to tell us something through his behaviors but we were clueless about what it is. As I sat mulling over what to do next, I got a call from my son’s school. With my heart already heavy with my stress, anxiety, and helplessness all piled up, I picked up the call and heard a familiar voice on the other side – his teacher’s. She had called to inform me of a new behavior that she had noticed that day and wanted to talk to me over the phone personally and explain it with some context. She was probably not prepared for what came next. Neither was I. I sobbed. I sobbed hard and inconsolably. There was silence on the other end for a while, followed by some kind words that were a blur and then we hung up. I have no idea what came over me but after the deluge of emotions settled down, I felt embarrassed. I must have looked so weak, but I am supposed to be the strong one  – always, fighting for my son, looking for answers, and hoping against all hope, right? But honestly, it also felt good, to let it all out. As I struggled with my muddled feelings, I received an email from his teacher.  There it was, I thought,  a written account of how bad my son’s day had been at school. I was almost ready to put it away for another time when I noticed the subject line “10 Big wins this year!” With my vision still blurry from my tears, but my heart already warming up from the subject of the email, I clicked to read what turned out to be one of the most inspiring emails I have received so far.

This is what it read :

I am so sorry I had to call and share about the challenging behaviors today.  V is truly an amazing kid who I love and cherish.  Unfortunately, there are other people in the world who do not see all the amazing things your son can do the same way we do and it breaks my heart.  I know you love your son and it is obvious to anyone who talks to you how dedicated you are to helping him be successful!  Since today is a hard day, I wanted to remind you of some of the big wins we have had this year:

1. Spitting at people is gone!  (THIS IS HUGE AND SHOULD BE CELEBRATED!!!)

2. V has started to verbalize when he sees glasses instead of immediately grabbing them! (WOO! GO V !!!)

3. V has learned how to independently take down and stack chairs.  At the beginning of the year, it was totally hand over hand and now he relies only on occasional verbal prompting to attend to the task! (AMAZING KID HERE!)

4. There were 7 times today when V used his feelings card and calming strategies card to safely express what he needed!  Identifying emotions is so challenging for some autistic individuals and I am so proud of Vedant for making progress in this area! (7!!! THAT IS SO MANY!!!)

5. V is eating lunch without throwing food and is showing improvement with behavior around glasses and will soon be starting to spend small parts of lunch in the cafeteria with his peers! (Lunch is so exciting but here he is, handling that excitement super appropriately!)

6. V has not eloped this year!  I know this was a big challenge for him last year so what a change in maturity for him. (LOOK AT THIS KID BEING SAFE!)

7. V has been showing what a strong reader he is.  We have backed off reading answer choices to him and have him read them independently and he is answering academic questions more accurately than ever! (WITH ALL THE STIMULUS HE HAS TO SORT THROUGH HE HAS ALSO FIGURED OUT HOW TO READ?! AMAZING!)

8.  V has stopped using the bathroom to escape work.  He is putting in the effort to consistently get everything done in class. (HE IS WORKING SO HARD!)

9. V is showing huge gains in math by learning all new math vocabulary and increasing his ability to count backward to subtract. (COMPLETELY REVERSING HOW YOU COUNT IS NOT EASY!  THIS IS SO EXCITING!)

10.  He has been increasing consistency with using “All done” across settings (speech, lunch, classroom). (LOOK AT THAT GROWTH IN SELF-CONTROL! AMAZING!)

Please know all the capital letters are because I am so excited about how much he has achieved in just the first quarter of the school year!  We still have three more quarters to go and I know he will just keep growing and maturing.  I am so proud of him and know you are too.  We love V here at school and I will miss him this weekend and am excited to see him Monday!

By the time I reached the end of this email, I could not breathe, I was so overwhelmed. I needed this so much that day. This email was like a visit to the Optometrist and getting the right lenses. I could suddenly see clearly again and how! This letter from his teacher spoke not just about my son’s successes, it brimmed with the love that his teacher had for him. It was a letter full of love, unadulterated pride, kindness, and acceptance. It was the letter that reminded me that when you are in the trenches, there will always be a guardian angel who will pick you up and put you back where you need to be. Today, that angel was the letter that my son’s teacher penned for him with so much passion.

As I read this email to my son, I knew he must have felt loved and for someone in his place who probably feels lonely, friendless, and almost always left out, this was the reaffirmation that he is special and cherished. This letter must have made him feel appreciated and seen and that is a huge feeling.

Life is not smooth. It’s not supposed to be. My life has a lot more bumps than I had imagined and every once in a while I need a hand to get me over those roadblocks that might sometimes feel like the end of the road. This letter did just that. This one is for those cloudy days when my son and I need an extra bit of sunshine.