When a hug meant more

My son has learnt to accept being ignored, or so it looks like. He has also probably learnt to accept the fact that he is different and that people are not comfortable around different. Others have learnt to treat him as invisible.

So, although his autism probably limits his ability to show emotions, his personal experiences prevent him from doing so as well. He is mostly nonchalant about the myriad emotions people display around him. 

He sees a group of kids and no more do I see his eyes light up that often. He notices a familiar face from his school and he looks past. He is at the park among so many kids and he is still alone, on his own. He is learning to block people and their emotions and in the process, losing his own little bit that he has. 

He does not seek physical display of affection either. He has learnt to be happy being on his own. Although none of this deters me from showering him with hugs and kisses but none of it gets reciprocated either. It’s a one way street but I’m not complaining. I can’t give up on loving him because he cannot show his love back. I cannot let him stand in a corner and watch the clouds float by because he doesn’t have anyone to explore the world with. I cannot let him lock his feelings up. So, all day long he gets a “I love you”, followed by a prompt to say it back to me, and then the kisses and hugs follow suit. Maybe, if I model enough, he would learn to show love; we can do without hate. Although I’m pushed away quite frequently by him and he prefers to be left alone (which I respect in decent doses), I keep coming back like a weed😊. Bottomline, you wouldn’t see him go to someone and plant a kiss on their cheek or give a hug or ask for it. 

The other day, after a tiring evening I went and gave his dad a hug, while my son sat in a far corner, playing with his new found passion- a lego block. This was supposed to be a simple hug and go routine when suddenly I saw my son throw away the block and rush to us saying “I want hug”. I had to re-run in my mind what he just said , just to make sure I did not mis-understand his incoherent request . But before I could respond, he came and hugged the two of us, his tiny arms trying to hold us both in its embrace. I have never felt so much joy from a hug. It was the warmest, tightest hug I have ever had in my life and the one I will cherish the most. It meant so much to me that he wanted to be part of that moment, to feel the love, to show it, to be held together like a family, to know that there is more to a gesture than just a sensory input. To know that he can love and get it back too. This hug meant so much more than just a hug!!!

This also reassured me that anyone who said that my little boy does not know how to show love or want one is wrong, that includes me. It is the people around him who prefer it that way. He will love you back if he knows it’s genuine and there are very few who show genuine love to someone who is different. They prefer them being invisible instead and whenever they do get in their face, people look around for an audience and then generally put up a show. That love, he does not reciprocate. He knows better. He is autistic.